Chapter 13

Once again, I was completely alone and began to think about Kuzya. Where is my poor cat? I remembered his funny advice, his silly cat stories… Which made me even sadder. All alone in this strange land! I needed to find Kuzya soon.

To add to all of that, I lost the ball. This really worried me. What if I could never return home? What would await me here? In this land, something terrible can happen at any moment. Could I call Geography now?

I decided to walk while counting to a thousand. If nothing happened during this time, I’ll start counting to two thousand. But if something did happen, then I would call for help… Well, maybe… I started walking and counted very slowly. The forest grew thicker. Suddenly, I really wanted to see my cat and, unable to resist, shouted out:

“Kuzya!”

Suddenly, out of nowhere, came a booming meow. I was very excited and began to call him over and over.

“I’m here,” came Kuzya’s distant, obscure voice.

“Where are you? I can’t see you.”

“I can’t see anything either,” Kuzya complained. “Look above you.”

I looked up and began to carefully examine the branches. They swayed and roared in the wind. Kuzya was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, I noticed a gray sack among the foliage. The sack was moving. I climbed the tree, got to the sack, and untied it. Kuzya fell out of it, whimpering and snorting, his fur disheveled. We were so happy to see each other, that we almost fell out of the tree. Then, when we finally did climb down, Kuzya told me about how the cyclist caught up with him, stuffed him in a bag, and hung it on the tree. The cyclist was very angry with me. Apparently, he is searching for his bike. If he catches us, then we will certainly go to jail for not solving the problem and stealing his bicycle.

Our plan was to get out of the forest. We went out into a small meadow, which had a beautiful tall tree in the middle of it. Its branches had bread rolls, cakes, bagels, and pretzels on it.

The Bread Tree! When I talked about it during class, everyone just made fun of me. What would all the guys say if they saw this tree in person?

Kuzya found another tree, which had forks, knives, and spoons growing on it. The Iron Tree! I talked about it during class as well. Everyone laughed when I said this as well.

Kuzya liked the Bread Tree better than the Iron Tree. He sniffed a golden bun. Although he really wanted to eat it, he wouldn’t dare do so.

“What if I eat it and turn into a dog?” Kuzya muttered. “You need to be careful in this strange land.”

I tore the bun in half and ate it. It was warm, tasty, and had raisins in it. When we finished the bun, Kuzya began to look for a sausage tree. But, apparently, these kinds of trees did not grow here. While we ate bread rolls and chatted, a large cow with some impressive-looking horns came out of the forest and stared at us. I was very happy to see a domesticated animal. Not a ferocious bear, not even a camel, but a cute farm cow.

“Hello, dear cow!”

“Hello,” said the cow indifferently and approached us even closer. She carefully examined us. Kuzya asked her about why she liked us so much.

Instead of answering him, the cow came right up to and aimed its horns at me and Kuzya. We looked at each other, confused.

“What are you going to do, cow?” Kuzya asked.

“Nothing special. I’ll just eat you.”

“You are crazy!” Kuzya cried. “Cows do not eat cats. They eat grass. Everyone knows that!”

“Not everyone,” said the cow. “Viktor Perestukin, for example, doesn’t know that. Once in class, he said that cows are carnivores. From that moment on, I started to eat other animals. I’ve eaten almost everyone here. Today, I will eat the cat. And I’ll save the boy for tomorrow. I could, of course, eat both of you at once, but the current state of affairs demands that I be economical.”

Never in my life have I seen such a nasty cow. I tried to prove to her that she should eat hay and grass instead. Eating people was completely out of the question. The cow just lazily waived its tail and kept repeating:

“That doesn’t concern me. I’ll eat both of you eventually. I’ll start with the cat.”

We got into such a heated argument with the cow that we did not notice as the polar bear appeared right next to us. It was already too late to run.

“Who are they?” the bear barked.

“My master and I are travelers,” Kuzya squeaked in terror.

I added that we are not just traveling around, but that we are traveling for education. For a scientific purpose. The bear listened, waved a branch, and grumbled. It was too hot for him in his thick white coat.

The cow interrupted our conversation. She said that Kuzya and I belonged to her and that she would not give us up to the bear. In the worst-case scenario, since she didn’t want to cause conflict, the bear could have the boy, but there was no question about her eating the cat. She had firmly made up her mind on eating Kuzya herself. Apparently, she thought that the cat would be tastier than the boy. What a delightful animal!

Before the bear had time to respond to the cow, a loud noise came from above. Leaves and broken branches started raining down on us. A huge strange bird perched itself on a thick branch overhead. It had long legs, short forearms, a thick tail, and a pretty muzzle that lacked a beak. Two clumsy wings stuck out from behind her. She was surrounded by a flock of birds that circled her and let out anxious tweets. Just like us, they were probably pretty surprised to see such a bird for the first time.

“What is this freak?” the bear asked impolitely.

The cow had inquired as to whether this bird could be eaten. What a bloodthirsty creature she was!

“Is that… a bird?” Kuzya asked, surprised.

“There are no birds as big as that,” I answered.

“Hey, you! On the tree!” the bear roared. “Who are you?”

“I am a kangaroo bird,” the monster sang in a gentle voice.

“You’re lying!” the bear said angrily. “Kangaroos can’t fly. You are a beast, not a bird.”

The cow confirmed that kangaroos, indeed, are not birds. After which, she added:

“Such a huge carcass perched on a tree, pretending to be a nightingale. Get down, impostor! I shall eat you.”

Kangaroo said that not too long ago she really was an animal, until one kind wizard declared her to be a bird in class. After that, her wings grew and she was able to fly. Flying is fun!

The envious cow was angered by the words of the kangaroo.

“Why are we even listening to her?” she asked the bear. “Let’s simply eat her.”

I grabbed a hefty pine cone and threw it at the cow.

“What a bloodthirsty beast!” I told the cow.

“I can’t help it. It’s all because I am carnivorous.”

I really liked the kangaroo. She was fun. She was the only one that did not scold me and demand something.

“Listen, kangaroo!” roared the bear. “Have you really become a bird?”

The kangaroo swore that she was telling the truth. Now she is even taking singing lessons. And then, she attempted to sing with a funny voice:

Such exciting luck

Only happens in a dream:

I’m suddenly a bird,

Flying with a gleam!

A kangaroo at first,

A bird’s now what I seem.

“What a disgrace!” shouted the bear. “Everything got turned upside down. Cows eat cats. Animals fly like birds. Polar bears have lost their native North. What is going on around here?”

The cow moaned in displeasure. She didn’t like this order of things either. Only the kangaroo seemed happy with everything. She said that she was even grateful for such a transformation, thanking the kind Viktor Perestukin.

“Perestukin?!” the bear asked. “I despise this boy! I don’t like boys at all!”

The bear rushed toward me. I quickly climbed the Iron Tree and Kuzya darted after me. The kangaroo screamed that it was shameful and disgraceful to pursue a defenseless human-cub. But both the bear, with his paws, and the cow, with her horns, began to violently shake the tree. The kangaroo told them that she cannot look at this injustice, flapped her wings, and flew away.

“Don’t try to sneak out, cat,” the cow mooed from below. “I am proficient at catching mice, and those are harder to catch than a cat.”

The Iron Tree swung harder and harder. Kuzya and I were throwing knives, forks, and spoons at the bear and the cow.

“Get down from there!” the animals screamed.

It was clear that we wouldn’t be able to hold out for long. Kuzya begged me to call Geography as soon as possible. Truthfully, I already wanted to do this myself. You should have seen the evil grin on the cow’s face! She bore no resemblance to those beautiful cows, which are drawn on milk cartons. And the bear was even worse.

“Call Geography now!” yelled Kuzya. “I am afraid of them, I’m afraid!”

Kuzya frantically clung to the branches. Am I just as cowardly as a cat?

“No, we can still hold out!” I shouted to Kuzya, but I was mistaken.

The Iron Tree swayed, leaned over, and iron fruits rained down in a hailstorm. Together with them, Kuzya and I fell to the ground.

“Aargh!” the bear growled. “Now I will get rid of you, once and for all!”

The cow demanded that we follow the rules of the game. She will give up the boy to the bear, but the cat belongs to her.

I tried to persuade the cow one last time:

“Listen, you need to eat grass, not cats.”

“I can’t do anything about that. I am carnivorous.”

“You’re not carnivorous at all,” I argued in despair. “You… you… you’re clove-hoofed.”

“So what? I can be clove-hoofed and carnivorous at the same time.”

“No, no! You are a soy-eater… fruit-eater…”

“Stop spewing nonsense!” the bear interrupted me. “You better remember where the North is!”

“Just a minute,” I told the bear. “You’re a cow, a herbivore! Herbivore!”

As soon as I said this, the cow mooed and immediately began to greedily pluck the grass at her feet.

“Finally, juicy grass!” she rejoiced. “I’m so sick of gophers and mice. I get a tummy ache from them. I am still a cow, I love hay and grass.”

The bear was very surprised by this turn of events.

“What about the cat?” asked the bear. “Will you now eat it or not?”

The cow was offended. She’s not crazy enough to eat cats. Cows never do this. They eat grass. Even little children know this.

While the cow and the bear were arguing, I decided to use an old military trick against the bear: I will tell him that I know where the North is and then, along with Kuzya, we will slip away somewhere along the way.

The bear finally waved his paw at the cow and once again demanded that I show him the North. I pretended to hesitate for a little bit, but then promised to show it to him.

Suddenly, I saw our ball! It rolled right to us, it found us! This was very helpful.

The three of us — me, Kuzya, and the bear — started following the ball. The nasty cow didn’t even say goodbye to us. She missed the grass so much that she couldn’t tear herself away from it.

Walking together wasn’t as fun and pleasant as before. The bear constantly huffed and grumbled beside me, and I had yet to figure out a way of getting rid of it. This turned out to be a very difficult task, as he didn’t believe me at all and never took his eyes off me.

Oh, if I only knew where the North is! My dad even gave me a compass and they explained it a hundred times during class, but no, I didn’t listen, I didn’t learn, I didn’t understand.

We walked and walked, but I couldn’t really think of anything. Kuzya was starting to get upset that the military trick I was planning had failed and that we had to run away from the bear without using any tricks.

Finally, the bear announced that if I did not show him the North, then when we get to the next tree, he would tear me to shreds. I lied to him and told him that the North was very close to the next tree. What else could I have done?

We continued walking. It seemed like forever before we got to the next tree. And when we finally did, I told him that I wasn’t talking about this tree, but I was talking about the next one! The bear realized that he was being conned. He bared his teeth and prepared for a jump. In this most terrible moment, a car suddenly came right out of the woods and screeched its tires in front of us. The frightened bear roared and sprinted back into the woods. That sprint was probably worthy of the Olympics. In a moment, any trace of the bear was gone.